[Un]reasonably outraged by unsolicited advice
My husband and I have guided 50% of our kids to adulthood, thankfully with only a few bumps along the way (so far) but the show’s not over yet. During the past 21 years, I’ve learned that shit can hit fans at any moment, and not all things we do as parents—or merely humans—can stop the faecal spray that life sometimes delivers. But the desire to offer suggestions when they’re not wanted is the fast track to a shitstorm. Not standing your ground when the advice is coming leaves you weathering it without an umbrella.
I've been guilty of offering unsolicited advice, and also copped suggestions when I hadn’t asked for them. Posing ideas I thought were helpful to other parents (and sometimes my teens), using my years of apparent wisdom has taught me that coaching from the sidelines is, for the most part, not appreciated because it can easily come off as criticism.
Being on the receiving end of good-natured suggestions is also a tricky place to inhabit. Recently, I lamented the expense of holidays with four kids, and many friends have sent through helpful links to holiday deals etc. Some well-intentioned people have proposed the solution is to leave the younger ones with the older ones so my husband and I can go alone (and therefore it’ll be cheaper!). I'm okay with this for a short stay but not for a longer holiday. It's unfair to the older kids with their own lives and commitments but I am aware this is my personal comfort level; other parents are fine with such arrangements, and that's their choice. And maybe, I’d like to holiday with my family :) I’ve had more than one person dismiss my concerns about leaving the younger kids telling me they’re plenty old enough. I don’t want to have to justify my reasons but hear myself politely saying what works for one family doesnt work for another.
In my working life, I have been given reams of unwelcome advice, most recently at an event. An older man—not my target audience nor a reader—told me my talk to a library cohort about my journey to publication was good but “too corporate” because I’d used a PowerPoint presentation. He went on to list all the speakers he’d seen who just talked off the cuff. Firstly, I didn’t ask this man for feedback. I did ask the librarians who engaged me to speak (who were thrilled with the event), and as each participant approached me at the end to thank me for my insights, I assumed the crowd was happy. A thirty-minute Q&A after the presentation was a fair indication I had managed to enthusiastically engage my audience. Instead of politely cutting this man short, or saying "Thank you for the advice, but I’ve got it handled" I sat and listened to him critique me, all the while groaning on the inside at his audacity.
From unsolicited advice to unreasonable requests, I’ve had it all in my adult years.
Those early parenting days were peppered with awkward requests where I felt put on the spot. I dreaded being asked by other parents to mind their kids. I don’t mean in an emergency, I mean people avoiding paying for childcare while they worked. I had restructured my entire career so I could be around for my kids, so watching others go and earn money expecting me to look after their offspring for free was a definite sore point. People who were notorious for dumping their kids on others ignorantly assumed one extra child wouldn't matter since I already had SO MANY, but it did and often, the extra child was more effort than my own four. Saying a reluctant yes led to feeling used and ultimately it festered resentment.
Looking back, I should have been more confident in saying "sorry, that doesn’t work for me" and giving no more information, but it never came easily. As a people-pleaser, I hated letting anyone down and would explain my reasons, hoping for understanding. It rarely worked and in some cases, gave them more ammunition.
I would laboriously draft texts: “Sorry we can’t take Benny today, we have a family picnic.” Only to receive replies like: “Oh, he can just come with you. He’ll love it. And it’ll give XYZ a playmate.”
If I had my time over, I’d stand my ground and ignore the ridiculous guilt and obligation I felt towards helping every person who asked (and be firm towards those who took advantage of my generosity).
What it comes down to is boundaries. Respecting other people’s and having the strength to politely communicate my own. Brené Brown always distils the true essence of the issue: "Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment."
Perhaps what is most important is to honour people's personal limits even if they differ from yours. Offering unsolicited advice, even with the best intentions, can often be intrusive and sometimes offensive. Everyone has their own way of handling situations and their own standards for parenting, working and doing life in general. It’d be lovely if we could try and accept other people’s “no” without making them feel like they have to give us a PhD on why.
And on maintaining boundaries, the wise words of Robert Frost fit nicely: “Good fences make good neighbours."
Are you confident at communicating your boundaries? How do you feel about unsolicited advice? Join the conversation on Substack.
Kx
Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash
